BREAKING: The Moon Landing Was an Inside Job!

After years of intense studying of pictures, video, audio, and smells, I have concluded without reasonable doubt that the 1969 Apollo 11 Moon Landing was, in fact, an inside job by the United States Government.

Look at the picture to the right of this text. It should be clear that this photo is undoctored, in its original form since being released almost more than four decades ago. In this pre-photoshop, pre-computer effects era, how could one conjure up such a realistic image of the weightlessness and cold dead vastness of our planet's only moon?

Now, let us ponder on the equipment present in the photo. Clearly the suit is more than equipped to handle the harshness of low-atmospheric conditions. It probably cost a fortune and a half. A landrover meant for, probably, driving around and looking at stuff. A, clearly real, space ship is planted firmly in the moon's rocky, grey, porous surface, with extra compartments for bringing back thousands of pounds in rocks. Rocks. This is beyond I or you. Only an entity such as the United States government could be capable of such a mind-numbingly pointless, money-wasting task.

If you are still not convinced, simply study, with your eyeballs, the stiffness of the flag in the picture. Explain to me how such a direct result of such low gravitational force could be replicated. In a near zero-gravity vacuum, such fabric could be manipulated to take such a shape with simple placements in the desired positions. Such stiffness of fabric, from my experience, can only be attained in Earth-like conditions with an insurmountable amount of dried semen, too much mind you, to be applied without severely clouding the colors of the old star spangled banner.

I know this will take some time to sink in. And as the respected young journalist that I am, I will most definitely continue to update all of you y'all on this important issue.



Occupy Wall Street protesters could not be reached to defecate on police vehicles and/or have public sex.

Qwikster™ Purchased by RLTPE Founder and Journalist Me

I yam pleased to announce that I, who need not an introduction so I won't say who, have purchased the rights and ownership of the former Netflix subsidiary for almost over 34 American dollars.
I have pledged to use my company to the best of it's abilities. I have pledged to use every little bit of it. Like how the Red Indians used to use every piece of the animal they killed. I will use the heart of Qwikster™ to loyally please the customer. I will use the brain of Qwikster™ to think of more ways to please my customers. I'll even use the scrotum of Qwikster™ for something once I use the brain of Qwikster™ to think of a use.
I can and should be quoted as saying "Qwikster trademark symbol shall provide an excellent service in whatever I decide it should be. One of the best service-providers in the world. Like, in the top ten percent. ".
From what I've been told by the guys I bought this thing from, the original name was inspired by a character portrayed by SpongeBob SquarePants in the television series SpongeBob SquarePants; "The Quickster". The performance earned Mr. SquarePants his third Primetime Emmy nomination for outstanding lead actor in a drama series. I thought I would include this.
SpongeBob SquarePants could not be reached for comment.
Editor's Note: please excuse the embarrassing typo in the above picture. An "m" was mistakenly used instead of the "rn" at the end of popcorn.

Local Man: "I Almost Decided to Kill Jack Ruby".

A local man, who prefers to remain anonymous, claims he considered shooting Lee Harvey Oswald's killer, Jack Ruby, after learning of the assassination of John F. Kennedy's assassin on November 4th, 1963.

I sat down with the local man in his quaint local home. In our interview, he explained: "It pissed me off the way he went and shot Oswald like that. You just don't take the law into your own hands like that. It's despicable, doing something like that."
The local man, formally local to Dallas Texas, where the shooting took place, went on to say that what stopped him from going through with the assassination was his love for his children. "I couldn't go through with it knowing I may not had been able to see my children grow up. I didn't want to rot in a prison cell while they lived their lives. That was very important to me." Furthermore on why he didn't kill the man who got revenge on the man who killed JFK, he explained was that he "kinda liked Kennedy" and thought his wife, Jackolynn, was "scorchin' hot". He explained in his own words: "I loved Jackie. I pleasured myself to her daily, so there was a lot of sentimental stuff there." I cut him off at that point because this is, of course, a family blog.

Pictured left: Oswald and Ruby's part-time and short-lived rock n roll band "The Sheriff and The Shootas".







President Barack Obama couldn't be reached for comment.

Boston Celtics 2011-2012 NBA Champions

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Report: Heath Ledger is Still Dead

It was confirmed earlier today that Australian heartthrob Heath Ledger is still dead. The Australian actor died two days more than two years ago today. Sources report the Australian is and has been dead ever since he originally died. Sources were unable to confirm whether or not the Australian Heath Ledger would remain dead in the immediate future. Updates will be reported as soon as they become available. Stay tuned.




Heath Ledger as the Joker in "The Dark Knight" with Christian Bale.

Heath Ledger could not be reached for comment.

Sources: Yes, many sources.

Pepsi Cola Gave Me 20 Bucks to Put This on My Blog

Although I think it tastes like flat sugar water, they sent me a check and I have to pay alimony to my whore of an ex-wife.

Sharol, if you're reading this, go fuck yourself. You took the best years of my life that I'll never get back ever again. Especially now that I have to give you all my fucking money. You shouldn't be getting anything if you've already remarried, that's just retarded. You probably slept with the judge, I wouldn't be surprised. Why can't you leave me and my money alone? Do I have to fake my own death? Do I have to cause my real death? Is that what it'll take? Haven't you taken enough from me? Fuck you!

Tea Party protesters couldn't be reached for comment.

Stop the Ground Zero Insult

I'm sure you're all well aware of the plans to build an Islamic community center and mosque within several blocks of where the World Trade Center towers once stood, buildings that were destroyed by Islamic extremists On September 11th, 2001.

I can with absolute positive certainty say that this kind of insult, intentional or merely perceived, would NEVER be allowed to be directed anywhere remotely close to Islam. It would spark such devastating outrage by the Muslim community, the American liberals in the West would most certainly do everything in their power to stop it. And yet, the American liberals of the West are enthusiastically calling for the completion of this mosque.

And as a Muslim, this outrages me.

American liberals are determined to show off to the world how much more tolerant and peaceful the West is than many countries rich in Islamic culture. They believe they are above us and our culture, and they aim to prove it. Do they think they are better than us? Are we but barbaric neanderthals according to them? Their encouraging the building of the mosque is a perfect example of this.

Common arguments by the Christian "hill people", that (for differing reasons) oppose the mosque, include claims that churches would never be permitted to be built anywhere in Saudi Arabia and therefore a mosque should not be built near where an attack by Muslims occurred. The American liberal retort to this is that "America isn't Saudi Arabia, we're better than that." I find this immensely insulting. An insult that should and will most definitely spark outrage in the Muslim community. Stop the Ground Zero Mosque! Death to the infidel!! Allahu Akbar!!!

The Prophet Muhammad couldn't be reached for comment.