My Bloody Valentine Finally Release New Album!

The Irish shoegazing band has released their third LP, their first since 1991's critically acclaimed Loveless. The shoegazer album was one of the most influential records of all time, and fans have been eagerly awaiting the release of a followup with much anticipation.

Fans all over the United States have shown much interest in the new record, as I have concluded from my inquiries. I spoke with self-proclaimed "huge fan" Abigail Lucas, 25, of Louisville, Kentucky on her thoughts.

My Bloody Valentine's Loveless

"Yeah, I'll believe it when I'm listening to it. I'm done getting my hopes up about that fucking band. Who takes that long just to release something they probably finished 90% of in 1992? They'd rather re-release the same album over and over with slightly louder bass or clearer vocals and claim it's remastered. There's only so much you can remaster with a bunch of fucking noise."

Obviously she was on the rag so I asked 16 year old Mark Johnson of Warren, Michigan for his thoughts on My Bloody Valentine.
"Oh, My Bloody Valentine? That was my shit! Are they really making another one? Remember that part when the guy hits the guy with an ax and his eyeball pops out and gets stuck on the ax? That shit was awesome I threw up every time."

I wasn't entirely sure what he was going on about but everyone enjoys music in their own way. I tend to visualize sunsets and meteors flying by in the night sky when listening to My Bloody Valentine but that's just me.

Surviving Members Bilinda Butcher and Kevin Shields

The question remains; will our patience be proven to have been worth it? Will My Bloody Valentine satisfy the aching need for a masterful third shoelookeratter album, or will there be riots in the streets? Stay Tuned.

Kevin Shields could not be reached for comment.

BREAKING: Glass Jars When I Drop Them

Presidential Candidate Joseph Kony could not be reached for comment.

Rajon Rondo Makes History!

ESPN first broke the news that Boston Celtic guard and part-time professional basketball player Rajon Rondo has made history by becoming only the fifth player in NBA history to score at least 30 points, pass at least 15 assists, catch at least 10 rebounds, kick at least 10 fieldgoals, and shoot at least 10 freethrows in a non-overtime game since the 1979-1980 NBA season! 

Wow! Parades have been scheduled in downtime Boston at this time.

Rondo (Nepali for male prostitute) joins the company of such players as Hakeem Olawjewon, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Magic Johnson.

The Celtic star leads the league with an average of over 60% from the freethrow line and has been selected to his eighth straight all-star appearance to the all-star game.

Jeremy Linsanity could not be reached for comment.

Rapper Becoming Increasingly Bored of the Fact That He is Black

Tyrell JaLaDaMarcus Johnson AKA Lil Phil Z writes in his new memoir that he's getting kind of bored of the fact that he is an African-United-States-American.

He writes "Don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely proud, chocolate, blacka-than-black man. It's just getting kind of tedious to constantly be thinking about it. I'm going to take some time to finish my poetry about different species of flower." and then goes on about some funny crap his four cats do.                               Africa

The MC, native of Alanna, GA, has been considered for several Grammy-nominations, as well as the Nobel Peace Prize for peace. His memoir goes on sale sometime next month.

President Barack Obama could not be reached to comment on this blog post.

BREAKING: The Moon Landing Was an Inside Job!

After years of intense studying of pictures, video, audio, and smells, I have concluded without reasonable doubt that the 1969 Apollo 11 Moon Landing was, in fact, an inside job by the United States Government.

Look at the picture to the right of this text. It should be clear that this photo is undoctored, in its original form since being released almost more than four decades ago. In this pre-photoshop, pre-computer effects era, how could one conjure up such a realistic image of the weightlessness and cold dead vastness of our planet's only moon?

Now, let us ponder on the equipment present in the photo. Clearly the suit is more than equipped to handle the harshness of low-atmospheric conditions. It probably cost a fortune and a half. A landrover meant for, probably, driving around and looking at stuff. A, clearly real, space ship is planted firmly in the moon's rocky, grey, porous surface, with extra compartments for bringing back thousands of pounds in rocks. Rocks. This is beyond I or you. Only an entity such as the United States government could be capable of such a mind-numbingly pointless, money-wasting task.

If you are still not convinced, simply study, with your eyeballs, the stiffness of the flag in the picture. Explain to me how such a direct result of such low gravitational force could be replicated. In a near zero-gravity vacuum, such fabric could be manipulated to take such a shape with simple placements in the desired positions. Such stiffness of fabric, from my experience, can only be attained in Earth-like conditions with an insurmountable amount of dried semen, too much mind you, to be applied without severely clouding the colors of the old star spangled banner.

I know this will take some time to sink in. And as the respected young journalist that I am, I will most definitely continue to update all of you y'all on this important issue.



Occupy Wall Street protesters could not be reached to defecate on police vehicles and/or have public sex.

Qwikster™ Purchased by RLTPE Founder and Journalist Me

I yam pleased to announce that I, who need not an introduction so I won't say who, have purchased the rights and ownership of the former Netflix subsidiary for almost over 34 American dollars.
I have pledged to use my company to the best of it's abilities. I have pledged to use every little bit of it. Like how the Red Indians used to use every piece of the animal they killed. I will use the heart of Qwikster™ to loyally please the customer. I will use the brain of Qwikster™ to think of more ways to please my customers. I'll even use the scrotum of Qwikster™ for something once I use the brain of Qwikster™ to think of a use.
I can and should be quoted as saying "Qwikster trademark symbol shall provide an excellent service in whatever I decide it should be. One of the best service-providers in the world. Like, in the top ten percent. ".
From what I've been told by the guys I bought this thing from, the original name was inspired by a character portrayed by SpongeBob SquarePants in the television series SpongeBob SquarePants; "The Quickster". The performance earned Mr. SquarePants his third Primetime Emmy nomination for outstanding lead actor in a drama series. I thought I would include this.
SpongeBob SquarePants could not be reached for comment.
Editor's Note: please excuse the embarrassing typo in the above picture. An "m" was mistakenly used instead of the "rn" at the end of popcorn.

Local Man: "I Almost Decided to Kill Jack Ruby".

A local man, who prefers to remain anonymous, claims he considered shooting Lee Harvey Oswald's killer, Jack Ruby, after learning of the assassination of John F. Kennedy's assassin on November 4th, 1963.

I sat down with the local man in his quaint local home. In our interview, he explained: "It pissed me off the way he went and shot Oswald like that. You just don't take the law into your own hands like that. It's despicable, doing something like that."
The local man, formally local to Dallas Texas, where the shooting took place, went on to say that what stopped him from going through with the assassination was his love for his children. "I couldn't go through with it knowing I may not had been able to see my children grow up. I didn't want to rot in a prison cell while they lived their lives. That was very important to me." Furthermore on why he didn't kill the man who got revenge on the man who killed JFK, he explained was that he "kinda liked Kennedy" and thought his wife, Jackolynn, was "scorchin' hot". He explained in his own words: "I loved Jackie. I pleasured myself to her daily, so there was a lot of sentimental stuff there." I cut him off at that point because this is, of course, a family blog.

Pictured left: Oswald and Ruby's part-time and short-lived rock n roll band "The Sheriff and The Shootas".







President Barack Obama couldn't be reached for comment.