PETA Offended. Demands Tearful Public Apology. It's Wednesday.

The critically acclaimed Romanian-born Jewish writer, Elie Wiesel, has come under fire from activists of the organization known as "People for the Equal Treatment of Aminals" when several members of the organization discovered, in his non-fiction holocaust novel "Night", numerous statements they found offensive.

I investigated.

I interviewed PETA activist Todd Randlyeringston (who preferred to stay anonymous) to get answers by asking questions to him. He had this to say: "Mr. Wiesel might be a pretty good author and all, but there is absolutely no reason in this day and age to claim the way the Jews were treated in the holocaust was how you treat animals. You think you were treated like an animal? Well, in my opinion of what the true way an animal is treated is pretty damn good. Did the Nazis clean up your poop for you and give you a nice scratch right where your ass meets your tail? Did they rub your tummy and tell you how good of a boy you were? Did they let you lick the inside of their mouths after they've eaten something tasty? No? Then I suggest you keep your misinformed comparisons to yourself. Although it doesn't surprise me you'd have it in for animals, considering you're probably fully aware that Hitler was a vegetarian and passionate animal lover. You complain about how so many Jews were killed, but I still see plenty of them around. In the media. In Hollywood. In the abomination of Israel. Do you see many Nazis around anymore? Their numbers have dwindled much farther than the Jews. You don't see uber-dramatic movies and books dedicated to their suffering, now do you?"

After he talked for at least 4 hours in an increasingly strange, thick accent, he stood up, stared disturbingly into the distance and threw his hand into the air before storming off. No idea what that was supposed to be about. Weirdo.

President Nobama couldn't be reached for nocomment.