Monday, December 3, 2012

Insincerity As A Fart Form

Scott Heisel hit the scene as a music reviewer on a fun website called Amazon.com with a writing style best described as "Holy shit, does this joker just listen to these CD's once at all?" After being a former reviews editor for punknews.org, he has found himself as the current music editor for Alternative Press, "reviewing" new albums such as 'Crazy World' by Boys Like Girls.

Reading Heisel's review, you can almost sense the quivering temptation to namedrop Rites of Spring. To define what "real music" is in "Urban Dictionary" form. To use the British spellings of "favorite" and "color" to further confirm his intelligence to all lowly readers that would be so lucky to be in the presence of his literaturial discharge.

The first mentally deficient statement made in his review was about how the All-American Rejects should sue  Boys Like Girls for "copyright infringement", clearly ignorant of the fact that they tour together quite frequently, so the opportunity has surely been made available if it was even remotely legitimate. Without even finishing the first paragraph, we come to one of our greatest facepalms of his published bowel movement; the claim that their songs are "lyrically empty". I wasn't aware writing about actual personal experiences could be considered devoid of meaning, but then again I don't know Heisel's home life. Scotty then makes the claim that former Boys Like Girls bassist Bryan Donahue departed the band to focus on better things, as if he was above them, when in reality, he was fired, much to his chagrin.

Scott Heisel's biggest issue with the album seems to be that he feels it to be "insincere", when in reality there are probably few bands as sincere and grateful. I can make this claim at least as confidently as Heisel can claim Martin Johnson writes about things that "don't actually exist in his world". Words of advice: It's easier to write about things that exist in anyone's world when you actually know what you're talking about.

Much to the style of Mr. Heisel, for this review, I didn't bother actually researching him or his work too extensively before I made bold, ignorant claims as to his intentions and style choices, I did a short Google search and then filled in the rest with my own misplaced prejudices and personal vendettas. Scott Heisel is as phony has they come.

Now where's my paycheck.

Monday, October 29, 2012


No further details are known at this time. But we were the first to report on it.

President Obomney could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

God Attempting Third-Party Presidential Bid

In what could cause a slight stir in several swing-states across the nation, God has thrown his hat into the ring and announced he will be running as a third-party candidate on the Monotheist Party ticket.

The infinitely old deity is on the ballot in 46 states and is currently polling at 8.5% nationally when included in the polls with President Obama and Governor Romney. Many believe this level of popularity can largely be attributed to dissatisfaction within registered voters with the top two candidates.

 I interviewed several of these likely to semi-likely voters to get their take on third-party candidates in general. One of those people was Sean Thomas, 34, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. He had this to say: "Well, I'd like to vote third-party and, uh, well I really do think this Monotheist Party have the know-how to fix a lot of the problems we have today, but I just don't want to feel like I'm throwing my vote away, you know?" The sentiment seemed to be shared by Susan Meek, 61, of Phoenix, Arizona. "Obviously God would be my ideal choice, I don't really think Mr. Obama or Mr. Romney are all that different from each other overall, but it's a choice between the two of them, at the end of the day." The rest of the likely voters I questioned claimed they did not know there were any other candidates running. 

God (2009)

The grassroots political outsider God is a long-shot, but one thing is certain, the election could be tipped one way or another in many battleground states as a result of God's involvement. Similiarily to the 2000 election, where many believe Ralph Nader took enough votes from Al Gore in Florida to inevitably secure a win for George W. Bush. 

God's campaign manager could not be reached for comment.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Nicki Minaj to be Official Spokeswoman of Buttock Augmentation Company

"Stupid Hoe" singer Nicki Minaj has signed a 12 year, 280 million dollar contract to become the new Spokeswoman and mascot of the buttock augmentation company, Bigass Butts Inc.

Nicki Minaj at the 54th Grammy Awards
Nicki Minaj is currently brainstorming ideas for her third full-length album. The album is rumored to delve even further into musical experimentation than her previous efforts. With influences ranging from rap to hip-hop. I think I can speak for everyone reading this blog news report when I say omg omg omg I can't waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait. :))))))))))))))

Bigass Butts Inc. has recently set up a charitable foundation with billionaire Warren Buffet and Warren Buffet's secretary in The Biggass Butts + Buffet Foundation. The foundation is aimed at ending middle-aged obesity.

The state of Idaho could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

My Bloody Valentine Finally Release New Album!

The Irish shoegazing band has released their third LP, their first since 1991's critically acclaimed Loveless. The shoegazer album was one of the most influential records of all time, and fans have been eagerly awaiting the release of a followup with much anticipation.

Fans all over the United States have shown much interest in the new record, as I have concluded from my inquiries. I spoke with self-proclaimed "huge fan" Abigail Lucas, 25, of Louisville, Kentucky on her thoughts.
My Bloody Valentine's Loveless
"Yeah, I'll believe it when I'm listening to it. I'm done getting my hopes up about that fucking band. Who takes that long just to release something they probably finished 90% of in 1992? They'd rather re-release the same album over and over with slightly louder bass or clearer vocals and claim it's remastered. There's only so much you can remaster with a bunch of fucking noise."

Obviously she was on the rag so I asked 16 year old Mark Johnson of Warren, Michigan for his thoughts on My Bloody Valentine.
"Oh, My Bloody Valentine? That was my shit! Are they really making another one? Remember that part when the guy hits the guy with an ax and his eyeball pops out and gets stuck on the ax? That shit was awesome I threw up every time."

I wasn't entirely sure what he was going on about but everyone enjoys music in their own way. I tend to visualize sunsets and meteors flying by in the night sky when listening to My Bloody Valentine but that's just me.

Surviving Members Bilinda Butcher and Kevin Shields

The question remains; will our patience be proven to have been worth it? Will My Bloody Valentine satisfy the aching need for a masterful third shoelookeratter album, or will there be riots in the streets? Stay Tuned.

Kevin Shields could not be reached for comment.

Friday, July 6, 2012

BREAKING: Glass Jars When I Drop Them

Presidential Candidate Joseph Kony could not be reached for comment.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Rajon Rondo Makes History!

ESPN first broke the news that Boston Celtic guard and part-time professional basketball player Rajon Rondo has made history by becoming only the fifth player in NBA history to score at least 30 points, pass at least 15 assists, catch at least 10 rebounds, kick at least 10 fieldgoals, and shoot at least 10 freethrows in a non-overtime game since the 1979-1980 NBA season! 
Wow! Parades have been scheduled in downtime Boston at this time.

Rondo (Nepali for male prostitute) joins the company of such players as Hakeem Olawjewon, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Magic Johnson.

The Celtic star leads the league with an average of over 60% from the freethrow line and has been selected to his eighth straight all-star appearance to the all-star game.

Jeremy Linsanity could not be reached for comment.