Starship Troopers SUCKS!

ATTENTION: Only read this if you've seen the movie. I don't feel like not making this not unconfusing to someone who hasn't not seen it.

Starship Troopers was the worst movie about Nazis I saw yesterday.

Movie starts. We meet Rico, who has a giant square jaw and is super stupid and can't do math. And his girlfriend Dennis Richards, who is super good at math. She's a slut though. While Rico's playing football (or whatever the fuck that game was), she's flirting with some douche from the other team. For absolutely no reason. Oh man, I sure hate that guy. I hope she's not thinking of him while we're doing it.

The asshole prison guard from Shawshank Redemption, who sounds a lot like Mr. Krabs, apparently got a job as a drill instructor for his exceptional skills of beating the shit out of his own men. He's all like "Does anybody think they can beat me in a fight?" or something, and when someone steps up to fight him, Krabs breaks his fucking arm in half. Sorry private, we're only looking for giant pussies to fight for the "federation". And then in a training simulation, which for some reason live ammunition was being used, some dumb idiot takes off his helmet and gets shot by Shaniqua Jackson in the head. Oh no! If only he had his helmet on! Even though the armor is shown to be completely useless against the bugs stabbing them with their feet, this same armor would supposedly protect them from speeding metal bullets. Right.

blah blah blah

Bugs throw a rock at earth and it hits South America full of Aryan Nazis. And one Hispanic guy that dies. People get pissed. Invade bug planet. Have big battle. It said after the battle on the bug planet that 100,000 people died in an hour. Let's do the math. That's 1666 a minute. 28 a second. This seems completely implausible. First of all, the part of the battle we're shown doesn't seem anything like a massacre the number of casualties suggest. We see like 3 humans get killed, and at least that many "bugs" get killed. Human dies, bug dies, human dies, a couple bugs die. That's how war works. You might fucking die. You don't just charge in there, thinking you'll just kill all these giant nasty things without getting a scratch. *sees two soldiers die* "FALL BACK! I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS A CHANCE WE COULD DIE!" Another reason the number of casualties in such a short time period is implausible is because it takes the bugs like 30 seconds to kill one human. I'm not doing any more math. After that there's some more mindless action and then the slut and douche meet the Brain Bug. The brain bug looks like a super fat chick's vagina with a terrible case of chlamydia. Which doesn't make sense at all, since fat chicks don't get any action and therefore do not have STDs. The brain bug eats the douche's brain and then... Mr. Krabs bags the brain bug. I honestly didn't skip over anything this time, that's how it happened.

Although, I did catch myself standing and cheering when the good guys beat the bugs. YOO-ESS-AY! YOO-ESS-AY! YOO-ESS-AY!

Lots of titties and blood. Make sure you're with your kid when they watch it. Because that makes a difference.

4 out of 10 thumbs.

President Boehner could not be reached for comment.