Stop the Ground Zero Insult

I'm sure you're all well aware of the plans to build an Islamic community center and mosque within several blocks of where the World Trade Center towers once stood, buildings that were destroyed by Islamic extremists On September 11th, 2001.

I can with absolute positive certainty say that this kind of insult, intentional or merely perceived, would NEVER be allowed to be directed anywhere remotely close to Islam. It would spark such devastating outrage by the Muslim community, the American liberals in the West would most certainly do everything in their power to stop it. And yet, the American liberals of the West are enthusiastically calling for the completion of this mosque.

And as a Muslim, this outrages me.

American liberals are determined to show off to the world how much more tolerant and peaceful the West is than many countries rich in Islamic culture. They believe they are above us and our culture, and they aim to prove it. Do they think they are better than us? Are we but barbaric neanderthals according to them? Their encouraging the building of the mosque is a perfect example of this.

Common arguments by the Christian "hill people", that (for differing reasons) oppose the mosque, include claims that churches would never be permitted to be built anywhere in Saudi Arabia and therefore a mosque should not be built near where an attack by Muslims occurred. The American liberal retort to this is that "America isn't Saudi Arabia, we're better than that." I find this immensely insulting. An insult that should and will most definitely spark outrage in the Muslim community. Stop the Ground Zero Mosque! Death to the infidel!! Allahu Akbar!!!

The Prophet Muhammad couldn't be reached for comment.

In Depth: The Gays

Throughout the history of civilization, many different groups of people have had to overcome daunting obstacles laid before them. And in front of them. Never before has a group had to overcome obstacles created predominantly by the very people within the group. Homosexuals. Homosexuals that have become so brainwashed or are so much in denial, they become the most vocal and active gay-haters. In this report, I will delve deep in the minds of the anti-gay gays, and why they hate gays. Actually I don't know why, I'm going to explain why I think what I think. And by doing so, I will undoubably convince you that I am right.

Time and time again, the most outspoken anti-gay figures have been shown to be gay themselves. Eddie Long, George Rekers, and 32% of anyone else that claims to be "deeply" religious. Yeah, you're "deeply" something; gay. The statistics and polls are staggering. Of the Americans that reported to claim homosexuality as a choice, were disgusted by the homosexual life style, and\or shouted "God hates fags!" into the phone when I called in the middle of the night, nearly over half had really faggy-sounding names like "Cecil", and "Billy".

So many of these self-hating homosexuals have been caught being gay, but many are still stuffed in their miserable frilly little gay closet. Take for example, Michigan's assistant attorney general; Andrew something. If this guy isn't a flaming homo, I don't know who is, but I know who is; this Andrew guy. This guy has gotten about as much pussy as the carpet in the living-room of someone allergic to cats. Amirite?

The wildly popular symbol of homosexuality:

If homosexuals could somehow find a way to stop hating each other and creating all of the problems other homosexuals must overcome, our society could flourish that much more. Unfortunately, I don't see this happening anytime soon. Homosexuals will continue to hold themselves back in some kind of strange, masochistic, disturbing display. Maybe someday they'll see the light.

In unrelated news, I would like to take this opportunity to announce to my readers that my vacation with my good friend Miguel to the Bahamas was indeed an amazing experience. 6 days 8 nights at the fabulous Bahama Mama hotel. Ah... it was just scrumptious. xx

Fox News contributor Sarah Palin couldn't be reached for a catchy soundbite.

Starship Troopers SUCKS!

ATTENTION: Only read this if you've seen the movie. I don't feel like not making this not unconfusing to someone who hasn't not seen it.

Starship Troopers was the worst movie about Nazis I saw yesterday.

Movie starts. We meet Rico, who has a giant square jaw and is super stupid and can't do math. And his girlfriend Dennis Richards, who is super good at math. She's a slut though. While Rico's playing football (or whatever the fuck that game was), she's flirting with some douche from the other team. For absolutely no reason. Oh man, I sure hate that guy. I hope she's not thinking of him while we're doing it.

The asshole prison guard from Shawshank Redemption, who sounds a lot like Mr. Krabs, apparently got a job as a drill instructor for his exceptional skills of beating the shit out of his own men. He's all like "Does anybody think they can beat me in a fight?" or something, and when someone steps up to fight him, Krabs breaks his fucking arm in half. Sorry private, we're only looking for giant pussies to fight for the "federation". And then in a training simulation, which for some reason live ammunition was being used, some dumb idiot takes off his helmet and gets shot by Shaniqua Jackson in the head. Oh no! If only he had his helmet on! Even though the armor is shown to be completely useless against the bugs stabbing them with their feet, this same armor would supposedly protect them from speeding metal bullets. Right.

blah blah blah

Bugs throw a rock at earth and it hits South America full of Aryan Nazis. And one Hispanic guy that dies. People get pissed. Invade bug planet. Have big battle. It said after the battle on the bug planet that 100,000 people died in an hour. Let's do the math. That's 1666 a minute. 28 a second. This seems completely implausible. First of all, the part of the battle we're shown doesn't seem anything like a massacre the number of casualties suggest. We see like 3 humans get killed, and at least that many "bugs" get killed. Human dies, bug dies, human dies, a couple bugs die. That's how war works. You might fucking die. You don't just charge in there, thinking you'll just kill all these giant nasty things without getting a scratch. *sees two soldiers die* "FALL BACK! I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS A CHANCE WE COULD DIE!" Another reason the number of casualties in such a short time period is implausible is because it takes the bugs like 30 seconds to kill one human. I'm not doing any more math. After that there's some more mindless action and then the slut and douche meet the Brain Bug. The brain bug looks like a super fat chick's vagina with a terrible case of chlamydia. Which doesn't make sense at all, since fat chicks don't get any action and therefore do not have STDs. The brain bug eats the douche's brain and then... Mr. Krabs bags the brain bug. I honestly didn't skip over anything this time, that's how it happened.

Although, I did catch myself standing and cheering when the good guys beat the bugs. YOO-ESS-AY! YOO-ESS-AY! YOO-ESS-AY!

Lots of titties and blood. Make sure you're with your kid when they watch it. Because that makes a difference.

4 out of 10 thumbs.

President Boehner could not be reached for comment.

PETA Offended. Demands Tearful Public Apology. It's Wednesday.

The critically acclaimed Romanian-born Jewish writer, Elie Wiesel, has come under fire from activists of the organization known as "People for the Equal Treatment of Aminals" when several members of the organization discovered, in his non-fiction holocaust novel "Night", numerous statements they found offensive.

I investigated.

I interviewed PETA activist Todd Randlyeringston (who preferred to stay anonymous) to get answers by asking questions to him. He had this to say: "Mr. Wiesel might be a pretty good author and all, but there is absolutely no reason in this day and age to claim the way the Jews were treated in the holocaust was how you treat animals. You think you were treated like an animal? Well, in my opinion of what the true way an animal is treated is pretty damn good. Did the Nazis clean up your poop for you and give you a nice scratch right where your ass meets your tail? Did they rub your tummy and tell you how good of a boy you were? Did they let you lick the inside of their mouths after they've eaten something tasty? No? Then I suggest you keep your misinformed comparisons to yourself. Although it doesn't surprise me you'd have it in for animals, considering you're probably fully aware that Hitler was a vegetarian and passionate animal lover. You complain about how so many Jews were killed, but I still see plenty of them around. In the media. In Hollywood. In the abomination of Israel. Do you see many Nazis around anymore? Their numbers have dwindled much farther than the Jews. You don't see uber-dramatic movies and books dedicated to their suffering, now do you?"

After he talked for at least 4 hours in an increasingly strange, thick accent, he stood up, stared disturbingly into the distance and threw his hand into the air before storming off. No idea what that was supposed to be about. Weirdo.

President Nobama couldn't be reached for nocomment.

Opening of 9/11 Themed Family Restaurant Leaves Locals Angered, Confused, Amorous

Some local residents are up in arms over the opening of a restaurant with a theme reportedly inspired by the September 11th terrorist attacks.

While most locals I have informed of this have expressed disbelief, confusion, and blank stares, some have reacted with anger.

When told of the restaurant, Bill John Rondo jr., of Florence, AL (who preferred to remain anonymous) had this to say: "Wow. Did they really? That's just [expletive] despicable. No [expletive] class at all. Bad [expletive] taste. [expletive] [expletive]holes."

I decided to investigate up-close and personal. After enjoying a Philly cheese-steak meal with a side of fries, several refills of Diet Dr Pepper and complimentary bread-rolls, I asked my waitress what she thought of all of the both of the locals angered over the restaurant's 9/11 theme. She had this to say: "Excuse me?" I demanded to speak with her manager. Normally this is where I would present our conversation in this article but I decided that would be an invasion of privacy. Andwouldalso notsupportthenarrativeIamtryingtopresent.

Nevertheless, I, as the remarkable young reporter/journalist/detective that I am, will continue to press this issue until justice is served. Until wrongs have been righted. Until no man, woman, or child will be allowed to mock the worst attack in the history of humans without getting a stern kick to the behind by Uncle Sam.

President Obama and first lady Nancy Pelosi could not be reached for comment.